Close Up

One of the promises I made to myself this year was to work on my photography. Whether its technique, uniqueness, or simply learning the basics more thoroughly, I want to dive into this passion of mine. As I sat and thought about how I was going to complete this goal, I realized I needed to do just start taking photos, and whatever happened, I would find inspiration from it. I felt like such an idiot as I set up my camera in my room, and just stared at it, sitting on its tripod, because I genuinely had no idea where I was going to go with this idea. I also soon realized that I was going to have to be able to take these photos myself to complete my goal, and the last thing I wanted to practice was how to take selfies. I sat and stared at my camera for a solid 5 minutes before I realized that I needed to not only think about what I wanted to come out of the photo, but I needed to think about what I wanted the photo to mean. It hit me instantly. I quickly turned the dial to the “Macro” setting, and began to create.

I have acne. I struggle with eyeliner. I have frizzy, oily hair. I have chapped lips. I have an uneven smile. I have an oddly proportioned body. I suck at eye shadow blending. One of my eyes is bigger than the other. I have the world’s roundest face. I am flawed. If you looked at me online, yes, you would see a few of these features, but most of them I am able to edit out with the simple swipe of a finger.  I would spend hours meticulously editing out acne, stray hairs, and yellowed teeth. I knew exactly what angle to turn my face to hide my double chin, and I knew how to move my legs to make my thighs look smaller. Something I would think about constantly is whether or not I would be able to make myself look the same in reality as I do online, to make sure people didn’t notice the editing done to my photos. More makeup went on. Different jeans were bought. I wore my hair differently. I wanted to be beautiful. I didn’t even know what that meant, but whatever it did/does, I can assure you I had strived for it. I have cried over acne. I have skipped eating a second helping, because I was worried about looking fat.  So here I am, fully exposed. I thankfully have grown to love my unruly hair. I have learned to deal with my acne. I have accepted the brilliant eyeliner motto of “sisters not twins”. I learned to love myself close up, and that’s a pretty big deal.

Disclaimer: I decided to put these photos in black in white, because I believe it will give it a timeless, more relatable tone.  No editing has been done to my face.